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Survivors of rape report feeling a number
of different emotions after the assault.
Fear of the Rapist
Guilt
Sense of Vulnerability
Loss of Control Over Her Life
Embarrassment
Anxiety, Shaking, Nightmares
Concern for the Rapist
Wondering – Why Me?
Shame
Anger
Fear of the Rapist
Most women who are raped, whether by a stranger or an
acquaintance – just want to live through the experience.
During the attack, many report feeling that there life was
in danger even if physical force or a weapon were not used.
Rapists often scare a woman into silence by threatening to
kill her or returning if she tells anyone what happened.
Fear of another attack under these circumstances is both
rational and normal. She is not crazy or paranoid to fear
the rapist or the possibility of being assaulted again.
Encourage her to develop a plan on what
to do if the rapist returns. Does she think he’ll
come back? If so, how can she protect herself (e.g. possible
escape routes from every room in the house, talking with
neighbors to have them call police if they hear screams,
or see his vehicle, etc.) The more she talks about her
safety plan, the better off she will be.
Guilt
A survivor’s feelings of guilt and self-blame will
have an effect on her decision to reach out for help. Many
women have internalized the idea that women are to blame
for rape. No matter how strongly you believe that rape is
not the victim’s fault, it is important to let her talk
and help her define in precise terms what she feels she did "wrong".
Feelings of guilt seem to vary depending
on the extent of physical injury and the type of prior
relationship with the rapist. Women who have experienced
severe physical injury during the rape may feel less responsibility
because there is obvious evidence of their injuries and/or
resistance. These survivors may resolve their guilt more
quickly. Survivors of stranger rape may also have diminished
feelings of guilt.
The woman who was raped in her own home
or who knows her assailant may have the most difficulty
in resolving her guilt over the rape. She may feel she
provoked the attack through her appearance or behavior.
She may also feel responsible for ‘not knowing any
better’ or not paying attention to negative feelings
she may have had prior to the rape. She may not even identify
what happened as rape. Regardless of her actions, she is
not to be blamed for the crime committed against her.
Sense of Vulnerability
Many rape survivors begin to fear people in general.
The process of restoring self-confidence is particularly
difficult for the victim when the attacker was someone she
trusted or loved. In this case, her faith and trust in her
own judgment may also be threatened by the rape. Over time
and with support, she will regain trust in herself and others.
Loss of Control Over Her Life
Before the assault, she may have believed that rape could
never happen to her, that she would be able to resist, or
that she could take care of herself. Since the rapist overcame
her resistance by coercion, force or fear, she may no longer
feel confident about herself or her ability to protect herself.
Sometimes even little decisions become
momentous. The survivor has to reclaim herself and reassert
the value of doing things for herself. She has to insist
to herself she is worthwhile and that she still has control
over her life.
Embarrassment
In American society, our body and sexual activity have
always been regarded as private. This privacy has been stripped
from her by the rapist. Not surprisingly, many survivors
feel embarrassed about the assault. Many rapists use offensive
sexual language. She may be uncomfortable or embarrassed
to say these words. If the rape involved sexual acts that
she may perceive as "deviant" (e.g. anal or oral
penetration), she may have a harder time finding the words
to describe what has happened to her.
The medical exam can be especially violating
and traumatic. Her body is again exposed and is an object
of attention and inspection by strangers. She is likely
to feel that her body, her appearance, and her whole being
is offensive and disgusting. She may be too embarrassed
to admit her uneasiness and discomfort during the exam.
Help her recognize that any person would be embarrassed
under these circumstances. What she is feeling is normal.
Anxiety, Shaking, Nightmares
After the attack, many survivors react by shaking and
appearing anxious. The relief of having survived and the
thought of how close to death she was are expressed in this
way. She may have nightmares and relive the incident. She
rethinks what she could have done differently, and what he
could have done. Continued support and reassurance that she
is physically safe and can do things to protect herself will
help reduce these feelings.
Concern for the Rapist
If the rapist was someone the victim knew or cared about,
she may express concern about what will happen if she reports
the attack to the police. She may have very negative attitudes
toward the criminal justice system or feel guilty reporting
the crime. Some survivors want counseling for the rapist
rather than jail time. It is human to show concern for another
human, especially one in trouble. However, she must not let
this feeling obscure the fact that he did attack her. Feeling
sorry for him does not mean she needs to deny or repress
anger.
Wondering—Why Me?
Some women wonder why the rapist chose them. These feelings
arise from the common belief that rape happens to women who "ask
for it" or who in some other way made themselves noticeable.
It may help her to know that anyone can be raped. To help
the survivor see this, ask her to tell you what happened
before the rape and to describe what the rapist did at this
time. Did he break into her home? Did he tell all her friends
he would make sure she got home safely? Looking back, she
may be able to see that he had been planning the assault
for a long time, waiting until he had the opportunity to
act. In short, remind her that the rapist made the decision
to assault her.
Shame
Shame involves destruction of self-respect, the deliberate
efforts by the attacker to make her do things against her
will, to make her feel dirty, disgusting, and ashamed.
That she "allowed" the rape to happen at all,
even at knife point, may also make her feel ashamed. Society’s
attitudes towards sex and different sexual acts are all
reflected in her shame. The survivor who feels she has
been violated needs to see the rape as an attack, not her
choice. Remind her that she had no choice and did everything
possible to survive.
Feelings of shame may also affect her
decision to report the crime to the police or to reach
out for help. Because of actions which occurred prior to
the assault (e.g., hitchhiking, drinking) she may believe
others will blame her. She may also believe her previous
sexual experiences and details of the assault will be scrutinized.
Anger
Anger is a healthy response to being raped. She may be
angry with herself for her "bad" choices. It is
also common for rape survivors to generalize and extend their
anger to the people who are trying to help her. It is important
for her to direct this anger in an appropriate way – at
the assailant. By being angry with her assailant and the
situation, the survivor is letting go of feelings of responsibility
for the assault. She can vent this anger in several ways,
such as pressing charges, telling other women about the attacker
or the situation leading up to the attack.
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